Jan. 2nd, 2008


Jan. 2nd, 2008 03:37 am
tania: (Cats: Techno!)
I'm working, watching a movie, playing MahJongg on my laptop, chatting to Amy, surfing the web, updating mah Livejournal and thrashing Kim in Scrabulous on Facebook, all at the same time.

I love my life. :) Though the geek levels at this particular moment are so high I think my head might explode. Let's paint a picture:

In an otherwise empty office, Kim and I are both sitting in front of computers with dual monitors containing work, LJ, chat and Facebook (Scrabulous in particular). My laptop is open with Mahjongg in the foreground and the text file for my novel behind it. Kim's laptop is sitting opposite us playing 'Payback'. There is a stack of fifteen DVDs beside it and an additional two in my bag. Tossed over the desk next to that lot is the enormous black leather trenchcoat Kim wore to work. There are two mobile phones, a Sherlock Holmes novel (mine) and a Robin Hobb fantasy tome (his), two e-keys and a black iPod video (because the black ones go faster) scattered over the desks.

*head explodes*

Oh well. I died happy.
tania: (CD - Darrell: Meh.)
I only managed a couple of hours sleep this morning, but hours of restlessness this afternoon led me to download Richard Adams' novel 'The Plague Dogs', which I'm taking to work on my laptop to read tonight. I've loved 'Watership Down' since I was small, but from what I hear, 'Plague Dogs' is a lot more brutal.

It's been a melancholy kind of day, but you get those... I guess the idea is just to hang in there 'til it passes. I'm going to need caffeine to get through the shift tonight, I think. On the upside, I'm rostered on with Viv, which is fun, and before I go on shift this evening I'm getting coffee with Bec Timmis, an old uni friend who I haven't laid eyes on since I was nineteen. Safe to say we've got a lot to catch up on!

On Friday I have an RDO, giving me a long weekend. I want to round up a few people to go see 'I am Legend' at Southbank on either Thursday or Friday night, probably a 6ish or 7ish session. I've already got interest from Hammond and Kim; anyone else?

On Sunday it's Dreamworld with Hammond! Finally, a chance to use my year pass! Candy mountaaaiiin!

On Amazon I'm eyeing off "The World Without Us" by Alan Wiesman, as well as a couple of books on wilderness survival, but those will have to wait. Happily, I'm steadily whittling down one of my debts and slowly clawing my way back out of destitution. Argh, it frustrates me that for every four NORMAL SIZED books you order on Amazon to ship to Australia, you wind up paying the value of 1-2 additional books in shipping fees alone. How frustrating.

It feels uncomfortably like my life is starting to revolve around books, movies and TV. I fear becoming boring, a burnout cliche; it disturbs me whenever I'm talking to someone new and they find out about what I used to do and get really excited, and then they ask what I'm doing now, and when I tell them there's this unspoken (or sometimes spoken!) feeling of, what happened??

The rest is really only written from me, to me, so if you keep reading you'll probably wonder what the bloody hell I'm talking about. I just want to put it out there, because it seems to become more real when it's written down.

I've been thinking about what to do with my airline credit (assuming I can't sell some or all of it) and I think I'd like to fly down to NSW and head out to the Jenolan Caves on my own for a week sometime around the middle of the year. It'll be more of a research trip than a holiday, which is specifically why I want to go alone, but I find the idea of a research trip far more interesting than a holiday anyway, providing it's on my terms. It's probably a good thing I still have that credit, as the caves each come with separate entry costs, and considering there are dozens of caves open to the public I'll probably wind up spending what I would have spent on plane tickets just getting in to see them all.

I have to believe I can make something more of myself (again) or else accept becoming just another worker-drone. From past experience it seems as though I can never live that life for too long. Maybe 07/08 is just a lull between two peaks, then; a chance to regroup, take a few deep breaths, remind myself what I'm made of - ambition, for one - and prepare myself for the next uphill battle. I need something to believe in, and it's not a god, and it's not a partner, but I believed in myself once, and I succeeded then. I can do it again.


Jan. 2nd, 2008 03:59 pm
tania: (Cats - Sawyer: Oh Noes!)
There's been no sign of Em's cat Velcro (aka Spineless; also Dappled Cat and Worry Cat) since she did her runner an hour before midnight on New Year's Eve. I've thought about putting up posters, but I wonder if it will do any good when the cat in question runs away from people rather than towards them - even if someone sees her, they won't be able to catch her.

The other "guest cats" are doing fine. For some reason their real names never seem to stick and they get called a variety of nicknames. Kim and I are pragmatic and call them Black Cat and Fluffy Cat; Kelly and her cousin have gone the opposite route and renamed Fluffy Cat to "Peabody" and "Skunky" respectively. Fluffy Cat's real name is One-Cell, aka Brainless. When the cats come up in conversation, the first few sentences are always devoted to working which actual cat is being discussed.

One-Cell is happily eating out of the same bowl as Jangles, her plume tail flagging high in the air. When I go downstairs she greets me with a happy little mew and a series of purrs. She really is a gorgeous cat. She's wonderful to hold; picking her up drives home just how little actual cat-content is under all that bushy fur. She's tiny!

Miss Malinki (aka Heartless; also Inkblot and Black Cat) has taken well to this place and to my cats too, although she and Nami still view one another with reservation. Nami is Queen Kitty around here. Black Cat combats Nami's tenure by being UTTERLY ENORMOUS. She weighs a ton and has a tendency to headbutt things with a vigor that would put the Juggernaut to shame. I have taken to headbutting her in return in greeting. It's lots of fun, I walk in, say 'hi' to Nami, scratch Jangles, imitate Sawyer's whine, stroke One-Cell and finally clonk skulls with Malinki. Good times.

Nami has taken up a new habit of sitting on top of the big TV downstairs. We feel that this is half because it offers her a good vantage point, and half because she likes to tell herself that it's her we're all gazing at for hours on end.

Sawyer... is Sawyer.


Jan. 2nd, 2008 05:30 pm
tania: (Default)
I got the dates mixed up; coffee-with-a-uni-friend is NEXT Wednesday! So I'm free tonight. And I have a fruit salad from Fat Carrot, so all is not lost.

But the mixing up the dates worries me. My brain doesn't work the way it used to. Today I stood in my room for about ten solid minutes, unable to make a decision on whether I wanted to try to sleep more, watch something, eat two minute soup or go out and buy something to eat. I just literally could NOT make a decision and I kept zoning out halfway through the process of trying. Lame.
tania: (CD - Zakiya: <3)
I'm slowly working out that my major problem these last few days has been PMS. As always, the increased cravings, bloating and trouble from my usually-well-behaved skin should all have been clues, yet somehow, every month I take my moodswings seriously for a couple of days before I remind myself: THIS ISN'T REAL. THIS IS JUST FUCKED UP BRAIN CHEMISTRY. YOU ARE GETTING UPSET OVER NOTHING SMALL THINGS THAT AREN'T WORTH THIS MUCH ENERGY.

I can't speak for women in general, but for me, PMSing is a lot like being in the Matrix; everything seems logical at first glance, and then now and then you step outside yourself and think, "Holy shit, my perceptions really twisted what actually happened there."

So I spent most of today sad and tired and restless (two and a half hours sleep this morning and not a moment more; not good).

And then Hammond called, and Kelly and Jacky (Kelly's cuz) and I walked down to the Cultural Centre to pick him up, and the sun came up in my little world again. He gave me some oddly perceptive glances, too. Funnily enough, Hammond and I don't really talk about serious things, but perhaps this is because we don't need to. Or I could just be imagining things and Hammond may be as entirely innocent, blithe and carefree as he seems. I'm not sure I want to know which is true. ;)

We all got Indian food for dinner and drove to Hammond and Adders' house and ate dinner sitting around a round table by candlelight. We played Monopoly, ate chocolate and drank champagne. We laughed, mostly at Adders, who is the most responsive-to-teasing person I've ever met. We mocked the more 'realistic' currency in the new Monopoly ("One MILLION dollars...") and I felt utterly relaxed and at home. Then Jacky and Kelly gave me a lift to work and here I am, still slightly tipsy and feeling kind of fat and bloated but happy.

All the same, it'd be a good idea if I avoided Deep & Meaningful conversations for the next few days and just had fun for a while, because I can't trust my emotions and by association my BIG MOUTH right now.

Interestingly enough, I'm being inundated by attention from boys at the moment; not just a couple but more than I can count on the fingers of one hand, no exaggeration. Nice boys, smart boys, considerate boys, sexy boys, funny boys, some who seem to be All Of The Above (yeah, right. 'Tis but an illusion, I'm sure.)

This comes a mere week or so after I firmly decided: No Sex And No Relationships For Three Months. It was like a memo went out on the Cute Wonderful Boys Network: "Attention! Tania isn't dating! Let's all go and introduce ourselves to her and show her how awesome we are!"

Alanis Morrissette had it right.

I'm told that refusing to date will simply be interpreted as "playing hard to get" and will only encourage them. So if dating encourages them, and refusing to date encourages them, how does one DIScourage them? Actually, I don't really want to chase anyone away, as it'd kind of suck if one of the interested parties right now turned out to be someone special and I chased them off for the sake of my three months. I just want them to know I'm determined to stick to my guns (despite already receiving one very tempting proposition the other night). So for the next three months, I may make some new friends who are boys, but I will not have a boyfriend.

I'm finding the experience empowering. Sometimes I feel like I've spent too long chasing after guys who simply didn't want me. I've felt I was never interesting enough, cute enough, smart enough, worthy enough for anyone, and that's pretty fucked up, because speaking from a purely clinical standpoint, I'm fairly attractive, bright, funny and interesting.

I guess it's time I let the guys do the chasing. I have my writing and my friends, my cats and my movies and music, my coffee nights and theme park days. For now, that's enough.


tania: (Default)
Tania Walker

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