I'm slowly working out that my major problem these last few days has been PMS. As always, the increased cravings, bloating and trouble from my usually-well-behaved skin should all have been clues, yet somehow, every month I take my moodswings seriously for a couple of days before I remind myself: THIS ISN'T REAL. THIS IS JUST FUCKED UP BRAIN CHEMISTRY. YOU ARE GETTING UPSET OVER
NOTHING SMALL THINGS THAT AREN'T WORTH THIS MUCH ENERGY.
I can't speak for women in general, but for me, PMSing is a lot like being in the Matrix; everything seems logical at first glance, and then now and then you step outside yourself and think, "Holy shit, my perceptions really twisted what actually happened there."
So I spent most of today sad and tired and restless (two and a half hours sleep this morning and not a moment more; not good).
And then Hammond called, and Kelly and Jacky (Kelly's cuz) and I walked down to the Cultural Centre to pick him up, and the sun came up in my little world again. He gave me some oddly perceptive glances, too. Funnily enough, Hammond and I don't really talk about serious things, but perhaps this is because we don't need to. Or I could just be imagining things and Hammond may be as entirely innocent, blithe and carefree as he seems. I'm not sure I want to know which is true. ;)
We all got Indian food for dinner and drove to Hammond and Adders' house and ate dinner sitting around a round table by candlelight. We played Monopoly, ate chocolate and drank champagne. We laughed, mostly at Adders, who is the most responsive-to-teasing person I've ever met. We mocked the more 'realistic' currency in the new Monopoly ("One MILLION dollars...") and I felt utterly relaxed and at home. Then Jacky and Kelly gave me a lift to work and here I am, still slightly tipsy and feeling kind of fat and bloated but happy.
All the same, it'd be a good idea if I avoided Deep & Meaningful conversations for the next few days and just had fun for a while, because I can't trust my emotions and by association my BIG MOUTH right now.
Interestingly enough, I'm being inundated by attention from boys at the moment; not just a couple but more than I can count on the fingers of one hand, no exaggeration. Nice boys, smart boys, considerate boys, sexy boys, funny boys, some who seem to be All Of The Above (yeah, right. 'Tis but an illusion, I'm sure.)
This comes a mere week or so after I firmly decided: No Sex And No Relationships For Three Months. It was like a memo went out on the Cute Wonderful Boys Network: "Attention! Tania isn't dating! Let's all go and introduce ourselves to her and show her how awesome we are!"
Alanis Morrissette had it right.
I'm told that refusing to date will simply be interpreted as "playing hard to get" and will only encourage them. So if dating encourages them, and refusing to date encourages them, how does one DIScourage them? Actually, I don't really want to chase anyone away, as it'd kind of suck if one of the interested parties right now turned out to be someone special and I chased them off for the sake of my three months. I just want them to know I'm determined to stick to my guns (despite already receiving one very tempting proposition the other night). So for the next three months, I may make some new friends who are boys, but I will not have a boyfriend.
I'm finding the experience empowering. Sometimes I feel like I've spent too long chasing after guys who simply didn't want me. I've felt I was never interesting enough, cute enough, smart enough, worthy enough for anyone, and that's pretty fucked up, because speaking from a purely clinical standpoint, I'm fairly attractive, bright, funny and interesting.
I guess it's time I let the guys do the chasing. I have my writing and my friends, my cats and my movies and music, my coffee nights and theme park days. For now, that's enough.