Jan. 31st, 2008

tania: (Kronk: The Path That ROCKS!)
Fear was a major cause of some of the problems I had when I was with Joe. I had hung a lot of hopes and plans on the idea of being with him; I was afraid to lose him; paranoid that someone else would take him away; terrified at the thought of being alone.

If I'd had my way I'd never have changed, which is one of the best examples of the phenomenon that what you want most is sometimes exactly the opposite of what you need.

In C S Lewis's 'Voyage of the Dawn Treader', Eustace-as-dragon needs to shed his skin to become human again. He sinks his own claws deep into his chest and peels thick layers of dragonskin away, and it's the most painful thing he's ever done. Even six-year-old me couldn't miss the symbolism the first time I read that book, and I swear I felt those claws sink in as I read, vivid and real. Twenty years later, it took me three months to shed my own dragonskin.

I had the best day today. Walked home in the rain, set up a tall, thin set of bookshelves for my room, put Nicholas the Peace Lily in place, tidied up a bit, slept, was awoken by Joe and Liz C for hijinks, went out for coffee and chatting with Elizabeth D, then hung out with Robbie for the first time in months until I had to get to work, where I am watching (or more accurately, listening to) 'Office Space' with Kim.

That's what I did; this is how I feel: peaceful. It's a feeling that started weeks ago and has been getting stronger and stronger... I think I know where it comes from now. I've jumped out of planes, moved interstate, climbed mountains, etc because none of it really scared me - I was afraid of things a little closer to home. Now, for the first time in my adult life, I'm not afraid of anything at all. There's nothing I could lose right now that I couldn't survive without. And the unexpected effect of this, I'm finding, is that I take a much greater joy in the things I have, because my pleasure in those things is no longer tempered by fear.

MacGuyver

Jan. 31st, 2008 05:56 pm
tania: (CD - Darrell: ??)
I was going to go on a date of sorts tonight, but I still don't quite feel ready. So instead I did some housework, then tested my burned MacGuyver season 1 disc in preparation for having Joe and hopefully Hammond over tonight for a screening - WAY more in my comfort zone. Anyway, MacGuyver. The first minute alone is totally worth it. Expect a MacGuyver-themed post from me in the depths of the night.

General question: when you're staying in a typical nice large-ish inner city hotel, what's the policy with having someone stay the night with you? I mean, say a person who wasn't booked into the room drops by and just doesn't leave 'til morning? What's the deal there? It's kind of a no-no, right? (How do call girls get around this if they stay the whole night?) And seriously, how would anyone know? Do they watch everyone coming past the front desk like a hawk? Are there door-knock booty-checks?

Could there possibly BE any more questions in this journal entry? Yes, yes there could.

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Tania Walker

August 2008

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