Apr. 25th, 2008

tania: (Default)
I'm going to tell you something I haven't told you before.

Last night after work I saw the therapist, Wade, for the last time. In our previous session he'd said he felt I didn't need to come anymore, but that I could continue on in a Life Coaching capacity if I wished, so that's what this one was - but towards the end of the session he told me simply that I didn't need to be there, that he felt I had my life and my relationships as well thought through as any human being could hope for, and that further sessions would be unnecessary and possibly do harm rather than good (in other words, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it.")

My main regret from the past six months is what happened in Melbourne. I never wrote about it before but it marked the point where I slipped from reasonable grief at the end of a relationship, to depression. Elizabeth says it was sexual assault. I disagree. I think I was taken advantage of, sure - I was a visible wreck and he knew it; he was also at that time in a position of power over me as I depended on him for accommodation - but I never said no.

Then again, I never said no because at that point, on that night, I was far beyond caring what happened to me. I was so far beyond caring that I crept out much later, when I was sure he was asleep, ran down to the ocean and contemplated swimming out until I'd gone too far to come back. I wish I could say that was hyperbole.

But the hardest part came even later, when I realised that I did indeed care, that it was too late to change it, and that laughing it off - which I attempted to do with some people - wasn't going to cut it.

Hmm... when I said above that I never said 'no', that's not entirely accurate. I said 'no' the three (count 'em) times that evening he tried to force me to do it without a condom. And he continued with unwanted touches and crap the whole remainder of the time I was in Melbourne. Uncharacteristically, instead of damn well standing up for myself, I just passively let it happen, I cared that little. Or maybe I felt on some level that I deserved it. Eh - what an asshole he was, and how short-sighted and stupid I was, short-sighted because I thought I would feel that broken forever, and stupid because I should have known better than that.

I take responsibility for what happened, but by the same token, I don't blame myself... or anyone. We were all just people doing what we thought was best for ourselves with the information we had at the time... even him. Don't get me wrong, it still affects me. I tear up when I think about it or talk about it; I'm tearing up a little now. But one thing Wade-the-therapist told me is that feeling sad when something bad happens is perfectly normal and, though it's not a pleasant emotion, it's necessary and it shouldn't be avoided. It should just be understood for what it is. It should be put in it's place. Feeling like the world has ended doesn't actually mean it HAS, and that needs to be kept in mind, always, no matter how untrue that logic feels.

I think I've put what happened in the right place in my head. I learned so much from all this and I don't think I've been happier and more stable at any point in my adult life, so the incident in Melbourne, however humiliating and saddening to look back on, was worth it... and so were the months of backlash that followed, when I did things that now make me kind of blink and think, "ye GODS, what the hell was I thinking?? UGH!!" Talk about impaired judgment. I can't change the choices I made but I can sure as heck never make those particular ones again.

Today was a public holiday for ANZAC Day. Hammond, Kelly and I went out for breakfast at the Gunshop Cafe, opened our new Killer Bunny decks and heard the jet fly over; later Joe and I played a few rounds, then we all played one massive round with Me, Kelly, Joey, Hammond and Adders. And that's pretty much all we did all day, so basically, it was a perfect day.

In other news, Chris and Jess are moving out next Saturday to their new couple-plus-baby sized flat; I'll be helping them move. Then Joe moves into their room. I've already bought a table-and-chairs set on Ebay to replace the one they'll be taking when they leave, and I'm going to get a TV and some kind of pantry and reorganise the living areas of the house on Sunday. I'm really looking forward to it, there's nothing like indulging the ol' nesting instinct.
tania: (Family Guy: Brian - It's WRONG!)
I won an auction for a table-and-chairs set to replace the one Chris and Jess will be taking when they leave. However, as Joe and I are unable to borrow his parents van this weekend, I contacted the seller to request that I pick the item up next weekend - 7 days from now.

The seller has responded "sorry but my policy is pickup within 5 days, if you can't do that I will relist the item".

Surprised, I checked the listing, as I never would have bid on something with pickup conditions that strict. Sure enough, nowhere in the description do they say "5 days". The closest they come is stating that they want the item moved as soon as possible, as they need space. I don't think 7 days is an unreasonable amount of time, and as far as I'm concerned that IS as soon as I can possibly do it - without the van it won't happen.

I have a 100% perfect feedback score on Ebay and I'm concerned that this douche seller is going to relist an item that I won, AND leave me negative feedback, on the basis of me not adhering to a condition that they didn't specify in the auction terms.

I've sent them a gentle reminder of that last point in an Ebay message, but if they respond negatively, what options are open to me?

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Tania Walker

August 2008

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