tania: (Tania: Happy / Summer)
It's Saturday night, and therefore the first "day" of my weekend. The only problem is that unless you make plans ahead of time, which I foolishly didn't, what do you DO when you're alone on a Saturday night? I'm too late for the cinemas, except perhaps for certain cinemas screening movies of a very plot-deficient nature, but that idea is bunk - I don't own a raincoat! I'm not much for going out for drinks and dancing alone and I don't do the picking up strangers thing. I'd probably settle in for a movie marathon, except the explosions that are rattling the house right now suggest that Chris and Jess are very wrapped up in Halo 3, and I do not yet have my own AV setup in my room.

I think I'm going to go get an early "lunch", read the rest of 'The Science Of Discworld II' (I'm possibly loving this one more than any other Pratchett book since 'Going Postal'), tie up a few accounting loose ends for Chris and then... I'll work it out as I go. By then Chris and Jess may be in bed so I'll have that glorious big-screen TV all to myself - and I have two new 'Dexter' episodes to watch!

Ooh! I know what I'll do! I'll start making Christmas presents! This will be fun...

Introspective rambling follows. Like a lot of my introspective rambling, it's true as I write it, but doesn't preclude me having small relapses into a previous state of mind at some point either.

Getting this job was the smartest thing I've done in a long time. My life feels full now. I have purpose and use. It makes me appreciate the time I have left to myself.

I don't feel that gaping hole where Joe once was anymore. It has been filled by a handful of close, supportive friends (I won't name names as I'm sure they know who they are), each contributing a little love and attention which, all added together, gives me more love than I had when I was in a "romance". This is new for me - I've never had truly close friends before. I've never needed them. Historically I've placed myself in a position of advice-giving to friends while not necessarily letting them return the favour, and that was a subtle but sure way of keeping distance in those relationships.

And I used this journal as an outlet when I wanted advice. Typed words on a screen are the most effective mask there is.

It was an easy thing to get away with, as I didn't need true closeness in my friendships - my partner has always been best friend and confidante too, the metaphorical basket for all my eggs. ;P I'm beginning to realise that focusing so exclusively on a single person for all my needs may have been a mistake.

That brings us to whatever-it-is that's taking place now. I see my friends more and talk with them more, still with hesitation now and then, but less of that as time goes by. I still don't get sex out of the deal, sure. But I think I love and am loved by enough people now that there's not room in me to contain it all.

Joey found freedom and sex, but I think maybe what I've found is freedom and love.
tania: (Default)
An uneventful night flight got me home from Melbourne on Sunday night. I was the sole passenger on the coach from the airport to West End, and the driver kindly dropped me off at my door. The driver, by the way, was a psychic therapist, because this is the sort of thing that always happens to me. He said he believes everyone you meet, you meet for a reason. He's the second person to say that to me within a week, but the first was trying to get in my pants.

This guy was interesting... he had a lot to say about relationships that applied to things I've been thinking about, and he said it all unprompted. There was so much personal meaning for me in so many of the things he said that I felt my throat close up a few times, and could only nod. Could there be something to this whole psychic thing? In the immortal words of Hammond: Who can say?

At home, Kim and Stan and I sat on the futon on the verandah at midnight with cigars, scotch and dark chocolate. It was heaven... it felt really, really good to be back home with the people I care about. Stan, who was on his fiftieth beer or so, said it was really good to see me, especially my hair. Kim agreed on the hair point. Apparently my new hair makes my mouth look hot... who knew? I like that I can see my upper back and neck now. This has always struck me as being an incredibly sexy place, both visually and sensually - kiss me there, bite me there, and I'm yours - it's also where I plan to get a tattoo.

Oh, and I finally decided on a tattoo design... it leaped into my head on the flight from Sydney to Melbourne, an idea complex but completely formed and I knew without a doubt it was the right thing. The best part of it is that in a way, it will change as I do... It's very narrative, a little technical, symbolic and meaningful, and very "me". When I've put together the full design in Illustrator I'll do a photo mockup of what it'll look like on me, and upload it here.

As for the hair, I know I promised photos, gimme a break. I've done nothing but sleep and marathon Boston Legal with Kim since I got back. And for all the awesome fun I had in Melbourne, I've been happier in the past 24 hours than I was down there. The point is, when I cease being comatose tomorrow, I'll find the photos and upload them.

In St Kilda, as I walked down the footpath in a black cotton slip dress that tied around the waist, a car went by and a dark-haired, dark-eyed boy leaned out the back window and called, "You're beautiful," and was swept away before I could think how to react.

This morning I put tinfoil on my bedroom window so I can sleep during the day.

Coffee night on Tuesday, and a little dinner party on Wednesday. I can't wait! There is a very tall German man staying at our place for a few days from Wednesday onwards; some of you may know him as [livejournal.com profile] aibo. He's full of cute observations about Australia that make me look at the place with fresh eyes.

I won't be going to New Zealand this year... I will get a nice fat refund for my tickets. Why go now, when I can barely afford it? Why go now, when there's no reason to run away from what I have here?

Choosing not to associate with Joey anymore was the right thing to do. I don't hate him. I just think we'll both breathe easier without the other around.

Currently I'm at work, and I'm dealing with tickets. Hooray, I'm capable of being slightly productive! They still haven't let me do anything more than observe the customer service chats. This is completely fine by me, I'm terrified of breaking something.

All my adult years have been either about career, or relationships, or both. 2008 is going to be an interesting change of pace. I think this year is going to be about friendship and about me. I'm really looking forward to it.

I love cigars and scotch in a way that is very inappropriate for someone of my gender, build, and social standing.
tania: (Cats - Sawyer: OMGYEY!)
I love Viv and Ruby and Roy and the Rooftop Bar and that other bar and I'm even quite partial to that other other bar! I have about a million photos, none of which I can upload 'til I get home to my trusty card reader. Also, somehow I spent last night surrounded by Queenslanders, despite being in another state. Over half the people I was introduced to were either down from QLD on holiday or moved down here from QLD within the last few years. The Brisbane Effect reaches far and wide.

I spent the night at Roy's and then we spent the morning watching Firefly and unwinding from the awesomeness of last night. Unwinding is very necessary, as we're going to do it all again tonight in an all-new set of bars.

I'm so tired, but it's a GOOD tired.

As for the other thing, I'm much better today. I didn't go out planning to talk about it (actually, I planned the opposite) but they dragged a little out of me, and today everything seems almost normal again. Mum said a clean break is healthier than multiple fractures... so many people have said the same thing in so many different ways that I feel stupid for having tortured myself this long, leaving myself open to be hurt over and over again. I would have had to have been superhuman to let go of my feelings for someone I was still friends with and still seeing all the time. Everyone was right... I've got to start taking care of myself.

I keep seeing presents for Joe and things Joe would like, and until yesterday it hadn't sunk in just how much I was doing that. I see more Joe-centric things than I see me-centric things. It's like I let my personality slide away into some dark recess to make room for his. No more... I've got to either find myself or, if that's impossible, rebuild, and I can't do that while always thinking about Joe and what he would like and what he wants and how to maintain a friendship.

I'm going to watch more Firefly and chill until tonight's festivities. :)

[EDIT] My favourite of the pro photos from Rachel's wedding:







I've jumped out of planes, achieved my life's dream of working for Disney, climbed mountains, watched eclipses, birthed kittens and chickens and lambs, aced tests, loved with everything in me and done everything I've ever really put my mind to. But Rach has experienced something here I never have - to love someone and be loved so completely in return, with a conviction so strong that both people stake their life on it - and I hope to experience that someday myself. In the meantime, it was a privelidge to watch.

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Nov. 11th, 2007 11:18 pm
tania: (Default)
I deleted my profile after Joe left me; I figured it wasn't really valid anymore. Anyway, I've finally written a new one... short, because I don't have all the facts yet (I don't suppose I ever will), but it satisfies me. http://ailurophile.livejournal.com/profile

It's funny how much this silly journal matters to me. I've been updating it since I was eighteen, a mixture of light-hearted Public entries, more in-depth Friends Only entries, and one or two rather painful Private entries. Every time I write in it now I imagine myself at eighty, printing out reams and reams of writing, and sitting my arthritic bones down in a comfy chair to relive my adult life from the start...

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Tania Walker

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