tania: (Tania: Happy / Summer)
It's Saturday night, and therefore the first "day" of my weekend. The only problem is that unless you make plans ahead of time, which I foolishly didn't, what do you DO when you're alone on a Saturday night? I'm too late for the cinemas, except perhaps for certain cinemas screening movies of a very plot-deficient nature, but that idea is bunk - I don't own a raincoat! I'm not much for going out for drinks and dancing alone and I don't do the picking up strangers thing. I'd probably settle in for a movie marathon, except the explosions that are rattling the house right now suggest that Chris and Jess are very wrapped up in Halo 3, and I do not yet have my own AV setup in my room.

I think I'm going to go get an early "lunch", read the rest of 'The Science Of Discworld II' (I'm possibly loving this one more than any other Pratchett book since 'Going Postal'), tie up a few accounting loose ends for Chris and then... I'll work it out as I go. By then Chris and Jess may be in bed so I'll have that glorious big-screen TV all to myself - and I have two new 'Dexter' episodes to watch!

Ooh! I know what I'll do! I'll start making Christmas presents! This will be fun...

Introspective rambling follows. Like a lot of my introspective rambling, it's true as I write it, but doesn't preclude me having small relapses into a previous state of mind at some point either.

Getting this job was the smartest thing I've done in a long time. My life feels full now. I have purpose and use. It makes me appreciate the time I have left to myself.

I don't feel that gaping hole where Joe once was anymore. It has been filled by a handful of close, supportive friends (I won't name names as I'm sure they know who they are), each contributing a little love and attention which, all added together, gives me more love than I had when I was in a "romance". This is new for me - I've never had truly close friends before. I've never needed them. Historically I've placed myself in a position of advice-giving to friends while not necessarily letting them return the favour, and that was a subtle but sure way of keeping distance in those relationships.

And I used this journal as an outlet when I wanted advice. Typed words on a screen are the most effective mask there is.

It was an easy thing to get away with, as I didn't need true closeness in my friendships - my partner has always been best friend and confidante too, the metaphorical basket for all my eggs. ;P I'm beginning to realise that focusing so exclusively on a single person for all my needs may have been a mistake.

That brings us to whatever-it-is that's taking place now. I see my friends more and talk with them more, still with hesitation now and then, but less of that as time goes by. I still don't get sex out of the deal, sure. But I think I love and am loved by enough people now that there's not room in me to contain it all.

Joey found freedom and sex, but I think maybe what I've found is freedom and love.
tania: (Tania: Happy / Summer)
I have an iiiinterview tomorrow! :D Kim handed my resume to his boss this morning; his boss called me this afternoon. He seemed very interested on the phone and I'm proud of how smoothly I handled the subsequent conversation - my phone phobia vanishes completely when I'm put into a professional situation. Interview is set for 9:30am.

I'm excited! Now that Interrobang is set up and running merrily on it's little systems there's not been much for me to do around here, so having a different job will let me poke my head in on the biz one or two days per week, do the bookkeeping, bill paying and any incidental graphic design needed, and halve my own pay - that way, the business will be able to pay it's bills quicker, and I won't starve because I'll have another job paying mine!

This is assuming I don't screw up tomorrow of course, but if there's one thing I'm confident of, it's that I can make a good impression at a job interview. I've bloody well had enough practice.

SPEAKING OF INTERROBANG: We've marked all our prices way, way down. This came from a decision to sell at wholesale price to everyone, public included. Our profit margins have been severely sliced but considering the age of the market interested in our sort of designs, we've got to try to keep our prices low. Besides, our primary income is still from CAD and custom work, so we can afford to do this as an experiment.

http://www.interrobang.com.au - Hammond, Adders, Rose, et al - if you wanted to buy those pendants, now is the time. We have multiples of each in stock right now. :) You don't have to put your order through the website; given that you're all locals, dropping by and paying cash is the best option for everyone.

Other good things: I have been losing weight... but not out of depression, just out of eating well. I somehow managed to continue the weight loss even after being given a large box of Fererro Rocher chocolates. I will tell you this: one of my greatest diet secrets is the ability to share my snacks with others.

I feel happy and hopeful for the future again, for reals. I know there will still be moments when I'm sad, but it's at an acceptable level now and I feel like I'm really heading somewhere. It's not where I thought I'd be going, but I think maybe this journey will turn out to be even better than the one I left behind.

It has been seven and a half weeks since Joe and I broke up, and only for the last two and a half of those was it official. I believe I can safely say I'm more mentally stable than I gave myself credit for... I didn't expect to start feeling this much better this quickly. With that small hike in confidence, my standards over what makes a good partner and what makes a good lifestyle have both stepped up a notch. (No offense, Joey, when you finally get back from Toowoomba and read this! You know I think you're awesome, I'm referring only to compatibility levels here.)

My sex drive has kicked back in... so yeah, that's pretty inconvenient, but the absence had begun to worry me, so overall I'm happy!

On Sunday I'm going fishing with my doctor friend. He told me to choose the date and given that we'd had a conversation about fishing and how awful I've been at it in the past, and that he claimed he could have me reeling in a fish in a single session with him, my curiosity was piqued. And I do love being up on the Coast, on and around the water. So I mentioned the hire boats on Maroochy river to him, and BAM! Just like that, he hired one for Sunday. He is also going to organise all meals and even offered to pick me up FROM BRISBANE, which is an hour drive each way, and which I refused. I shall take a train to the coast. Nobody tries to spoil ME rotten and gets away with it...

He will probably turn out to be the Ice Truck Killer (in-joke for 'Dexter' fans there.)

Joe and I are SMSing one another a few times a day, friendly-like. We still have our moments of AARGH, which is to be expected, but they are less frequent and always signify progress. All in all we're doing great. We hope to return to the best-friends dealie we used to have, and hopefully it will be an even better friendship this time around, what with us getting over all that Unresolved Sexual Tension crap. ;)

I got my passport in the mail yesterday. I HAVE A PASSPORT. Immediately checked out prices to Vanuatu (SO freaking cheap if booked ahead) and information on seven-day hiking tours to active volcanoes on the islands, but sternly reminded myself that I already have a great deal of travel planned and should not overshoot my bounds.

The final, and best, thing that happened today: walking home from the supermarket in West End, I passed a man carrying groceries with his large brown dog walking by his side... carrying a bag of groceries in it's mouth. It wasn't on a leash or anything, just moseying along beside this guy WITH A BAG OF GROCERIES. I almost wept for joy and in frustration at not having a camera handy. Hammond, you're absolutely right, I need to get a new phone. I'd get one for myself as a Christmas present (from me, to me!) but all my Xmas money this year is going towards New Zealand. I'll think of something though! I shall have my camera phone and then none of you will be spared the bizarre sights I'm confronted with on a weekly basis!

That reminds me: my doctor friend arrived in West End early to pick me up the other night, and rather than come and hang around in front of my house, he wandered around West End and checked the area out. Now, he has only recently moved to Australia and doesn't know Brisbane at all. Nobody warned him about West End, a.k.a. "The Hippie Precinct". Nevertheless, when he came across a women in dreadlocks and a hippie skirt standing in the middle of the footpath, arms in the air as she sang and spoke to the sky, he learned all he will ever need to know.

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Tania Walker

August 2008

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